Al-anon again

Sorry about being MIA

2009-11-17T17:14:00.002-05:00

Things have been well ..rough.
Never know what's happening from day to day.
His he here and drunk then gone and in detox then back and drunk then in rehab then thrown out for being drunk and and then back into detox and today thrown out again.
This all just happened in the past week.

Looking for a mediator, think I have found one.
Going for separation, I will have a normal life and be able to give my kids more stability than this.
Wish me luck.

just updating..

2009-11-02T18:27:00.002-05:00

So there have been good days and bad.
Last Thursday was just another awful day, he really pushed me to a point of looking into a separation.
I have known what that means regarding the kids, I have been told he would be banned from seeing the kids for 5 years.
It was time that he was made aware of that too and he was last week.
I said it in a calm way making him understand his actions and not in a screaming wanting to start an argument way which is what I would have done a few months back..thank goodness for Al-anon.

He is still to sick with his virus type cold to start back in Portage, he has tried.. they just keep saying no wait till you get better.
So we are still not getting paid by his insurance company because it's based on him being in Portage and nothing else despite the doctors notes he has.

Things this week have been a little better, as far as he has been trying to help more, not sure if he is drinking or not..if he is he is waiting till we all go to bed.
Feeling a little stressed dealing with stuff plus his car that I have been driving since he killed mine and lost his drivers license is really playing up..not sure how long it's going to last before it completely dies...that's adding to my stress levels!

Things that are good, well I am blessed with two wonderful kids.
My business is going well, I got another client last week and start work on his house this week.
I am so grateful that my business worked out (well so far it has), it gives me the flexibility to work when the kids are at school and daycare and be back for them when they finish.
Also blessed with great friends, I am trying to make time occasionally to get out for a couple of hours now and again and enjoy myself.

Ok, let's see what the rest of the week holds for us.

Drinking again..

2009-10-28T20:57:00.002-04:00

What can I say..?
After I cancel the babysitters for the kids so I can go to my Tues night Al-anon meeting I see J at the dinner table acting strange.
I ask him if he is drinking, he denies it. Just then my 2 y old daughter reaches for his glass and he stops her. I ask what's the issue if it's just juice and so he gives her the glass to drink. I saw her face and then I knew it was not just juice, I pick up the glass and it's about99% vodka with a splash of juice to colour. I further remind him of the no drinking rule.

He has been delaying going back into rehab due to a really bad cold he has, he is just not getting better. It's no surprise, he does not take care of himself or eat properly.
The insurance company now know he is at home and have stopped our money.
I can't freakin believe it...we need this money to survive. My wages are not enough.
I will use my money if necessary but this money is my lifeline, I have to keep saving so that at some point me and the kids will have a choice about a futures.

He told me tomorrow he will go back to he portage day program, I hope so.

This week..

2009-10-23T15:22:00.005-04:00

Whoa, I don't even know where to begin.

J came back earlier this week, he told me everything that had happened over the last few days and I did not sleep a wink.

It ended up that he had really immersed himself in the whole getting to know what addicts do...addict lifestyle while downtown.

I think one of them slipped something into a drink he had, he was unable to get out of bed in the dirt hole he was staying in and was having uncontrollable shaking and convulsions for 30 hours.
His heart nearly stopping and then racing and cycling like that for hours and hours. He finally managed to get out of bed and get downstairs and get someone to call for an ambulance while he slipped in and out of consciousness.
At hospital they had him hooked to everything, I am not sure they ever found out what it was before they let him go (they needed the bed).

Anyway he is back home and has arranged to start Portage again next week.
I am now not sure this program is for him, I just think he needs some bloody good psychiatric care.

J in hospital

2009-10-19T14:07:00.004-04:00

So he just called, I expected that he was calling from the train station but no.
He was calling from the hospital where he did his detox, he said that he had been shaking for days.

The hospital say he has contracted some kind of virus.
I asked him of that was something from the booze or his cold and he thinks it was his cold or the disgusting place he was staying at.

We'll know more once they have run more tests, he will be staying there for now.

Chairing Tuesday, J update

2009-10-18T16:56:00.004-04:00

So in last weeks Al-anon meeting it was decided that the group inventory would move to the 27th so my chairing date moved a week earlier and is now this Tuesday.

Gulp...something usually comes to mind but this time I am struggling a little.
I thought maybe doing something on acceptance or decisions???
I am praying for some inspiration.

J called he wants to come home, his stint of being downtown has left him with the flu. He could not get in any of the homeless shelters and managed to find a cheap hotel.
I told him he can come back if he is a not drunk, drinking or in withdrawal. I stated we are not a detox or rehab and cannot look after him...we are his family and if he wants to stay sober he can stop here whilst doing the day program downtown.
I just cope so much better when he is not here, I think I have to practice detachment with love again as I feel like I am lumping him and the disease together again...it's hard not to though when it looks like he just doesn't want to get better.

We'll see what next week brings..

Drinking again..

2009-10-15T15:24:00.002-04:00

So he was a back a matter of hours before he hit the bottle again.
This morning was a nightmare, I asked him to pack his bags and leave.

I hate to throw him out on the streets and I hope he will get a bed at the salvation army or at the mission downtown.
He is waaay to sick for us to deal with and I cannot have him live here.

I wish him the best, maybe the Portage day program will take pity on him and let him start earlier than next Wednesday.

I have to pick myself up and dust myself off and just get back to how I was feeling last week.

He's back...the story and plan

2009-10-14T15:30:00.003-04:00

So he's back.
Portage certainly is a tough program.
He says that because he only did one week in the "day release program" instead of the standard four weeks that he was not prepared for the residential part.
Now he knows how things operate he says he is comfortable with going back to do the day program again (although I am not sure of the number of weeks) and then returning to do the residential program.

It took time to get at the real reasons but I think I have got them now.
He also thinks he got off on the wrong foot with them he uses his sense of humour and sarcasm as a wall and also struggled as everything is in French.

He still says that this is the program for him, it's tough but he admits that's what he needs.
I am just happy they have agreed to let him back again.

I have made my boundaries regarding drinking again, if he relapses he will have to move out and he has agreed to move into the salvation army downtown which is next door to the portage day program.

One day at a time, I will deal with what I have to.
Last night's Al-anon meeting was keeping your serenity through crises...very appropriate!
I am determined to keep mine!

Houdini strikes again....

2009-10-13T16:19:00.001-04:00

Portage called me to give me the heads up.

Enough said.
Just waiting for him to turn up...sigh.

2 bad phonecalls..

2009-10-10T08:09:00.003-04:00

I am not sure what's going on in rehab for J, this week he has been very upset and just wants to leave.
He will not tell me what's happening over the phone and keeps telling me it's in a letter he has sent but I still did not get the letter yet so I have no idea what's happening??

Last night I had a nightmare, wow it felt so real that he was back and he woke everyone up with loud music and the kids came down in the middle of the night to find him back.

I am not going to obsess and get wound up until I know the facts, I have achieved great balance and perspective back in my life at the moment.
I have dealt with my daughter getting a horrible head wound 2 weeks ago, I have dealt with an issue of some bullying that was happening to my son and I took it all in my stride (Ok maybe not the head wound at the time!) now I am ok with it and it finally looks like it's healing ok now.

I can't let my good mood get away, I will deal with whatever it is one day at a time.

Leaving the highway..

2009-10-06T21:59:00.002-04:00

I realised today that over the last few days my mood has been a lot better.
I seem to have more balance in my life.
At the beginning of the meeting when we take a moment to think about our reasons for being at the meeting I did not just think about the active alcoholic in my life I thought about me and my issues and my recovery.

Tonight my home meeting was about growth within Al-anon.
I said that I felt like I had exited the "sorry for myself highway" and was now on the service (side) road. Even though a couple of bad things happened this week I can acknowledge that they have pissed me off but not let it get me down.
I am staying on the side ride and hopefully will not be entering back on the highway any time soon!

1st phone call

2009-10-02T18:46:00.002-04:00

J just called, I was nervous to ask where he was calling from.

To my relief he is still there!

He is doing ok, just settling into his new routine. I think he is allowed four or five phone calls a week. We can also visit in about 2 weeks time.

He asked me to send him some candies and ear plugs, apparently there is a guy that they share a room with that snores non stop and really loud and they are getting no sleep!

The candies are for the smoke break, he is about the only non smoker there!

I am settling in to single motherhood ok, bedtime for the kids is a killer as I am sooo tired by then. A good friend from my group is making a meal a week for us, this is great and it's always a nice surprise to wonder what we are getting.

I have car stuff to sort out next week, years ago I was so into cars and fixing them but these days I usually leave that up to J. Now it's back to me to sort stuff out again.

I am nervous without him being here, I always bring the phone to bed just in case anything happens. Not sure how much sleep I am getting as I am jumpy at every little noise. I guess that I'll have to get used to that.

So there's good and then there's some stuff I am having to get used to.

I am overall happy though that he is still positive about this program, maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel?

Residential program

2009-09-29T15:27:00.004-04:00

So today J started the residential program.
He was obviously sad to leave but still enthusiastic and positive about the program. Just in a week of outpatient I have seen changes in him, like he's actually talking to me!
Wow communication is back.

He buddied up with another guy at the weekend, the idea was that if they were together during the day then there would be no chance of straying from staying sober and the other guy staying clean.
J did well but the other guy ended up taking cocaine Saturday night, J expressed how he felt let down and upset by this, wow I could not believe it..he is obviously changing his mind set!
The other guy wanted to drop out but J convinced him yesterday afternoon to go and it worked.

Not sure when we will hear off him or when we will get a letter. I will maybe start writing in a weeks time. Apparently we maybe able to go visit him in three weeks time.

So I take a deep breath and prepare to be a single mom for a few months..gulp!

Into Rehab...

2009-09-23T15:34:00.002-04:00

So the few days between the detox and the rehab were rough, he was drinking and things were strained. We went away at the weekend with the kids but it was just awful. He was on self destruct and the kids were a nightmare. Overall crap weekend, which is a shame because I love visiting Ottawa.

He is now in the Portage outpatient part which should be 20 days, they are allowing him to do 5 as they know what he is like. He is vising the resdential place tomorrow to look around and then next Tuesday he will go to stay...roughly 6 to 8 months.

He is actually liking the program so far and is hopeful that this will be it. Good news.

To doubly cheer me up last night's Al-anon meeting was great, there was laughter and tears and we all shared about the "Courage to Change".
Let's face it those of us who are dealing with alcoholic or drug addicted family members have to change. It made me realise that even though there are ups and downs (sometimes quite big downs) I do see that I am making progress in my own life.

He's back (bullet style)

2009-09-17T19:20:00.003-04:00

. He got back last night. (Apparently released not escaped).

.The psychiatrist at the detox told him a secret about Portage, he can ask to leave at any time...great thing to tell someone who runs all the time..not.

.He is upstairs drinking wine..just the thing you do when you get back from a 7 day detox right???

. He is going ahead with Portage, five days outpatient then the following week they take him up North...good news.

. He's pissed at me because I asked him why he was drinking wine..sigh.

Emotions

2009-09-16T17:45:00.004-04:00

This was definitely an appro topic for last nights meeting.

Let's first go back to Monday night.

I was up every 5 mins at every little sound convinced that J was breaking back in the house.

Fast forward to the next evening (10 mins before I leave for my Al-anon meeting), J phones.

He tells me he is depressed and suicidal, he tried to escape ..no surprise there then.

He got stopped (remember he signed the form!).

They are making him stay till next Monday as they see him as a danger to himself.

He also told me that he is rethinking the whole Portage rehab thing, that has made me worry a little.

He lashed out a little...I wouldn't understand, it ok for me and so on and so on.

(It's no picnic at home though managing the house, job and 2 kids).

I have to remember though that he was very depressed and anything that he was thinking and saying was disjointed because of his state of mind.

Thank goodness for the meeting last night, it made me realise that I am constantly riding the emotional roller coaster, this is not good.

A friend also pointed out that he has nothing to numb his pain anymore and he is just letting his pain out.

So how do you deal with your emotional roller coaster??

Looking forward

2009-09-14T16:00:00.005-04:00

So I am looking at being a single mom for the next few months, J is doing ok at detox.

Portage will collect him from there and we will see what happens next, there is supposed to be some outpatient days before the residential program.

Me well I am trying to get into some new routines with work and the kids.

My son now in grade 1 is getting homework...I'm helping best I can (It's all in French though!).

I am moving my daughter to a daycare on my street, it's more money but will save 2 hours of driving a day and save my sanity.

I am working on trying to get her in a less expensive daycare in my village but that will take longer. Just getting her closer to home is a big step forward.

J's health insurance company finally paid out on his long term disability (we have not been paid since July!). Debts have stacked up a little but this should sort it out.

Other debts due to his drinking and car accident have been transferred onto the mortgage at a good rate so that a relief. Slowly things are getting sorted.

I need to keep working on my Al-anon tools to be in the right mind set for what's ahead, so if he keeps at his program and I keep at mine well there just might be a future for us.

Is he there?

2009-09-11T14:24:00.004-04:00

So we got the call last night around 9pm, the detox place phoned up after being shouted at by the rehab facility.
He had to be there at 9am, I hope he made it on time (knowing what they are like) because last time I phoned J was at 8am this morning and the train had broken down...can you believe that!!!

I have not heard off him so I am praying he is there.

We actually had a nice few days before he left, I am actually sad he as gone.

He told me that when he went on Wednesday he asked them if they could stop him escaping again.
They said of course and there was a form for that! He will not be released until a doctor has signed him out.
Wow I am so proud of him, he is finally making a really big effort.
I have a tiny glimmer of hope for our future now..just when I thought it was over.
I hope it's not to dangerous to have hope or else it will be gutting if it all falls apart again.

The twilight zone

2009-09-09T19:38:00.003-04:00

I think I am living in the fricken twilight zone or maybe it's groundhog day.

I get J to the train station, he gets to the detox place on time.

They send him for registration, triage and the doc checks him out.

They then ask why he has his bag..

He says because you are admitting me.

They say no you have to go home and we will give you an admission date.

He protests and says no you threw me out last time for being late asked me to make another appointment so here I am.

They just say sorry we will call you in the next two weeks to get you in.

Unbelievable.

I told him that he can't stay and get wrecked everyday on vodka because I can't take it. I ask him to go buy beer instead he agrees..so that's good.

Let's hope things are quiet whilst we wait for the call again for him to go in...(again).

New date for attempt #7

2009-09-05T08:05:00.002-04:00

So he phoned and made a new admission date for Wednesday (that's the quickest they could get him in).
He seems to be continuing to detox himself meanwhile..which had not been so pleasant.
Luckily we had some Valium left which helped him get over the worst of the withdrawal yesterday.

His case is still packed and sitting ready. ..good sign.

It's a long weekend here in Canada, I hope he feels better today so we can enjoy the next three days as a family. Luckily the weather seems to be good so there are plenty of things to do.

Missing the train- updated

2009-09-03T18:09:00.004-04:00

Ok, so this morning there was a terrible accident on the highway this morning where an 18 wheeler went off a bridge. This was at the exit that is close to our town.

I used the side roads to get my daughter to daycare this morning and even those were jammed up.

Poor J missed his train but phoned ahead to the detox center to let them know he would be late, they said "no worries as a lot of people would be late today".

He got there later and when he arrived they said "we can't let you in..you are late".

He said "no but remember earlier I phoned".

They denied all knowledge and when he refused to leave security threw him out.

He did phone me earlier to tell me he had missed the train and not to worry as he had phoned them and they had told him no problem.

So he is on his way back now and has to phone again tomorrow to make another appointment.

He is disappointed as he was really geared up for this and even started detoxing the day before to get a head start.

I can only look to my HP and guess there is a reason for this.

I was asked if I believed J's story by a friend, yes I do cos if he wanted just to leave he would have just plain said so.

He just got back at 8.45, he is in tears. He is so angry with the staff, also it's pretty tough as we live in a french speaking province and the staff only speak English or pretend to not understand when they feel like it. He has gone out straight to his AA meeting to talk to people there...he can't keep still as he is so mad.

Detox & rehab attempt #6

2009-09-02T20:24:00.003-04:00

So here we are again, the night before J leaves.

I maybe naive in thinking this time is different but it does feel that way.

He will be doing a few days in detox before heading off to the day patient part of portage (which will be reduced from 20 days to about 5 days so to cut down the risk of him drinking).

Then he will be bussed to a location up North for 6 to 8 months. We don't know where it is and we have been told NO contact at all for the first 3 months.

His liver is in a bad way, it has increased greatly in size and started taking over where his stomach should be. His belly is swollen although he is losing weight..bad sign.

I am sure when he gets to the hospital tomorrow for the detox they will do more tests.

So I am seriously thinking crikey I am going to be on my own for 8 months now with 2 kids, no family and a new business starting up...gulp.

If anyone fancies moving in with me for 8 months to help out...you are more than welcome:)

Chairing tomorrow night

2009-08-31T09:46:00.003-04:00

So I am chairing at my home meeting tomorrow (Tuesday) night.

I thought I had my topic planned and I also had planned a back up topic and in the end I completely changed my mind due to the events of the last week and will choose something else!

So my topic will be compassion.

I guess I can count on one hand the times I have felt compassion for J, wow sounds harsh when it comes out like that but it's true.

I guess the consequences of his actions..like verbal abuse, crashing the car etc outweigh the compassion I feel for him suffering this disease.

Maybe when I finally am ready to take step 4 and go forward with the other steps this will change.

I also think though that we are only human and cannot help feeling saddened and hurt when times are bad, perhaps my feelings of compassion will still come and go over time with him but I do hope that they are there more than they are now...despite whatever our future holds for us relationship wise.

Found out

2009-08-28T21:34:00.004-04:00

I approached our local health services about support for my son.

Sadly as he is still living in the alcoholic home there is not much they can do as far as therapy goes. She will hook up with the school's social worker and he was due to see a psychologist due to focus issues in his last year His appointment with her is at the start of this new year so I wanted to fill them in on what was happening at home because last year J refused to let me tell them what was happening. This would have been bad if I would have kept on not saying anything and he would have been wrongly diagnosed was something else.

This new woman I am seeing I think she is a social worker at this health center also wanted to see us as a couple, I explained J's continued Houdini acts, escaping every rehab and detox he had gone to. After about 20 mins she had totally got him figured out. Everything she said was his life and made so much sense. After the meeting J was really angry...now he had to face the truth that someone had figured him out and that if he went back to rehab that he would have to actually face up to things without running away. This obviously is his greatest fear...which is why he always runs.

He has another meeting with Portage on Monday to get a feel for the program and a start date..I''ll see what happens. My plans have to go on regardless to take care of myself and the kids....I cannot base my future on whether he sticks this out or not.

First things First

2009-08-24T21:27:00.003-04:00

I've tried to do to much too fast this week.
After I made my decision last weekend, I didn't stop making arrangements, the business, the bank etc. I spread myself way to thin and made myself ill.

I need to stop, the Slogan "First things First" came to mind.
I had to think about my health again and the health and sanity of the kids.
I finally got the ball rolling on the counselling my six yr old needs.
I have taken on several clients for my new business but just enough to get me started so I can still have time for the help my son needs, the sanity breaks that I need too.

Yes I won't be able to move out as fast as anticipated but I would have made myself very ill carrying on the way I was.

Needless to say with me making new arrangements J had found a renewed will to get better. We'll see what happens I have heard this too many times before and nothing has come of it.
He is still drinking and the story of his start date in Portage keeps changing.
If he does do some rehab and when he gets his drivers license back (whichever comes first) I can then have more time to do more working hours and prove to the bank that I am mortgage worthy.

I will not rush though, I will follow my instincts, my heart and guidance from my HP.
I will do what is right when it is the right time.
Thank goodness for Al-anon friends.

Feelings

2009-08-20T08:27:00.002-04:00

I seem to be able to function well when it comes to getting the kids up and ready.

I seem to be able to push myself to sort out stuff for my new business but I have to admit I am scared to death.

I've gone to the bank so I can prepare what I need to be able to leave in the next few months.

Inside though I am a mess, grieving for the marriage I wish I had, you know the normal marriage where addiction isn't an issue that your family has to deal with. It happens to other people.

I am feeling very upset and feeling very alone at the moment.

I feel bad for the kids because they are just seeing the fall out from all of this...me crying upstairs and J crying downstairs...it's horrible.

I could just take the easy way out and do nothing and stay but I know that isn't the right thing to do. So I take the path I have chosen to make a new life for me and the kids..it will be a tough road ahead.

facing reality

2009-08-17T20:51:00.003-04:00

I have been so tired the last couple of days, I have to admit a little depressed.

J detoxed himself, Thur, Fri, Sat and then drank Sunday just before he would be arranging admittance for Portage.

So all of that for nothing.

What else is there to say.

I put my hands up and give up, I made a decision not to live with active alcoholism anymore and I won't live with someone who does not want to help themselves.

So I am 35 yr old woman with 2 kids in a French speaking province of Canada who speaks no French, I have no Job and no money behind me.

Yep great start.

For a second I feel like J...waiting for some magic solution, but there is none but hard work.

I managed to retrieve the last copy of my CV back of an old friend and started sending out emails today.

I also have a hobby which can be turned into a business, this maybe the way to go and will give me flexibility with the kids that I need. I am meeting with a friend who will help me register my business at the end of the week.

I am not that long in the business I want to go into and so am pretty scared, it's a big jump.

I have a fall back plan of a couple of jobs that are going at the moment, although really crap pay.

J told me the amount of my share of the house, he is refusing to sell and wants to buy me out. I'm nervous as I have no idea where the hell he will get that money from.

If he does come through with the money then that's half the money I need to buy a place and I should be able to get a mortgage with the rest. (That's if my business pans out).

I'm just praying, praying, praying to God that he will help me out here and guide me.

Meeting and so far this week.

2009-08-13T20:15:00.003-04:00

Tuesday's meeting was good, I kind of had to push myself to go.

I was going through a kind of wanting to isolate myself period and the best thing for this (and was in this week's courage to change strangely) is to push yourself to go to a meeting. I felt great afterwards.

The topic was fear and everyone had something to say about that. There were so great acronyms for fear

Number 1 was F*ck everything and run and number 2 which most of us preferred was Face everything and recover.

The detox place won't take J back this month as he ran away.

They gave him a Sept date.

A good friend came by and gave J some straight talking. Then the doctor did and another friend phoned and also gave him a wake up call.

J's new plan is to detox himself over the next four days ( we have three days worth of Valium from the docs) then call up Portage and ask for admittance into the program.

He realises that I am serious about getting financially secure and leaving (even though this will take a long time) and so this has given him a kick up the backside to take things seriously for once.

As you can imagine him detoxing at home is not so pleasant, if he gets himself straight then that would be great if not then I have my plan in place to look after myself and the kids.

There was a great share in Tuesdays meeting about overcoming fear and achieving your goal.

Draw yourself on one side of a piece of paper and your goal on the other then fill in the middle part of how you will achieve it and what you have to overcome.

This is how I am going to do my plan.

Waiting

2009-08-10T21:11:00.002-04:00

So J has been here since Friday.

Friday was a rough day but the weekend was quiet, me and my sister took care of the kids and left him to his own devices.

I had a friend offer to babysit Saturday night and so me and my sis got a night off which was great.

J knows that I am at the end of my tether, he is treading lightly. If I had the money I think I would have made plans to leave already.

He called back the detox today and is high priority so we wait for the call again in the next couple of days and he will go back in.

I just plod ahead, I have plenty to keep me busy.

My head is just buzzing at the moment and I need to calm my thoughts and take a deep breath...the slogan "easy does it" comes to mind.

I am looking forward to my regular meeting tomorrow night.

I pray to God for guidance.

Unbelievable times - Using the tools

2009-08-07T21:08:00.006-04:00

This morning me and the kids were leaving as usual, I am lucky to have my sister visiting and staying with us. She was later than us leaving the house and who does she bump into sneaking in the back door this morning as she was going out?

Yes, my husband.

I am shouting my sister to get in the car as we were running late and she is shouting something about J.

I said it's ok if he is phoning he'll leave a message and she is just shaking her head and pointing behind her. Yes who comes staggering out the door but him.

He had been drinking and discharged himself from detox after 3 days saying the place was P*ssing him off.

To back up a bit, I had received three phone calls from him in detox saying how he was bored and that he did not believe in AA, any higher power or anything that his numerous visits to rehab had told him. The doc at the detox said that there was not much hope with him doing any program as he would just keep discharging himself...ughh great.

I said I could not stop and talk as me and the kids were running late but we would be back later in the day. ( I did not want to cancel my previously made plans).

We ended up coming home a little earlier than planned and J was standing in the driveway, he demanded to be taken to the train station straight away. I said no not right now but I would be going that way in 2 hours time. I got a whole load of drunken verbal abuse and then he went inside and went round slamming doors.

Apparently while I was out his dad and talked him into going back into detox and then J talked a friend into calling the detox for him and getting him an appt to go back in.

When I would not take him he had a major hissy fit and cancelled his appt and just got more drunk.

His dad re-phoned and asked me to make him another appt and take him there or get his friend yet again to phone and take him.

I refused as this is just smacking of enabling behavior, it's like saying yes it's fine for everyone to run around making your appointments for you and taking you there then you just come out when you feel like it, get drunk and then get everyone to run around after you gain.

Well sorry no.

I am sorry to his parents (I know that you do read this to keep up to date).

Really I am not a complete cow, I am using the tools of my program to do the sane thing for me and for the kids.

If he is not ready to grow up and actually complete a detox and rehab program then I am not ready to keep hanging around. Honestly I can only stay and take so much crap.

If he wants to do it and go through a program then I will be here waiting.

If not then there must be more than this to life for me, I am sure that I deserve more and that there has to be happiness again after this.

Who am I?

2009-08-04T18:24:00.003-04:00

J was upset the other day, he was scared about who he will be when this long journey of this new detox and rehab is done.

I guess it is scary to be drinking for 20 odd years like that..who will you be after the drink?

I told him, he would be healthy, less sarcastic and have appreciation of his family again.

All good things and nothing bad. I know that even if and when he does achieve his sobriety the behavioral changes do take more time and that goes for both of us.

As for me, I guess I am finding myself again, what makes me happy etc, trying new things.

Working my Al-anon program hard.

J got the call today and went into the new detox place, it was not to soon as yesterday it was like he was on self destruct..not very nice.

The doctors told him his choice of new rehab maybe might not be the best choice and in a few days they will talk about other options that may suit him better.

I guess we'll wait and see about that.

I breathe a sigh of relief again and enjoy the peace of not dealing with active alcoholism for about 7-14 days or whenever he is fully detoxed. The even better thing is that he will not be released until it is all done. So no escaping for my Houdini husband!

Mixed feelings

2009-07-31T10:24:00.003-04:00

So J went for his prelim appt at the detox center downtown on Wednesday.

He was open and honest at the fact that he gets depressed and just runs away all the time.

There is no running/escaping here as you cannot leave until you are fully detoxed..which is between 7-14 days.

J was happy about the place, there are plenty of psychologists, doctors and Psychiatrists on hand. You can take in stuff like your laptop, ipod and that.

This will seem like a holiday camp compared to what he will face at Portage after this..and he is well aware of that.

They told him just to keep drinking until he gets the call to go in (in the next few days), I asked J if he could just try to keep it to a decent level.

Sadly he is still out of his face drunk everyday which is pretty tough to handle as well as everything else I am trying to do.

The kids don't really want much to do with him in that state and neither do I.

Can't wait for him to get the call, I have my sister coming to visit me for about two weeks and can't wait to actually have some support in the house.

Chairing

2009-07-29T10:15:00.003-04:00

So I am giving myself a huge pat on the back for chairing last night's meeting for the first time!

It was the 4th Tues of the month so it was about Slogans, I chose Let go and Let God and got a volunteer to read page 220 of the ODAT.

Then came my topic and my share which was "Positive and healthy release- how you deal with anger and frustrations".

I read a few from Pg25 and 26 of "the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage", these certainly made people laugh..like the woman who dug up the garden "thinking she was digging a grave for her husband over and over again. (Ok not so positive but funny.)

Others were sports, bread making (think pounding dough!) etc.

I shared on how I love to work on the house, having something with an end result..like making artwork or building... something gave me great job satisfaction.

I also shared on how in the early days I thought cleaning was a good release but now I realise that it can turn obsessive compulsive as it just gets me through living in constant chaos.

Al-anon tools over time help you think about and realise what are the healthy choices and releasing those frustrations.

All the group shared and said they loved the topic.

I also shared at the end how coming to al-anon has got me over the fear of reading aloud, I can talk and share no problem in front of everyone but reading aloud (especially as most people know this stuff off by heart) was a little harder. I first learnt to start getting over it because we all read the steps and traditions and this was the final push I gave myself to finally get over the fear.

I put my name down again to chair in September and will be looking forward to it.

What now?

2009-07-27T10:18:00.003-04:00

So since J has been back...I have heard pretty much the list of easy way outs and delay tactics.

1)I can detox myself.

2)If we left the kids with someone else for a week then you could watch me 24/7 and make sure I don't drink.

3)If you won't help me then I'll have to slit my wrists.

Yep we have had them all. Of course I reinforced the point that my place is here with the kids and there are facilities that are capable of looking after him..if he would only stay in them.

He went to see his psychiatrist today, maybe he was thinking that she would take pity on him and offer so easy way out of it solution. The other option to detox (of which he has a new prelim appt for another place this Wednesday) is to go to a psychiatric ward/hospital. (Her suggestion).

Sadly his mental state is very unstable right now, although there are a few hours now and again when he seems quite normal.

We'll see what the week brings.

back again

2009-07-25T06:58:00.004-04:00

So at 6pm last night I came home to a message from J's AA sponsor.

J had called to say he had discharged himself (after 1 day) and he will be at the local train station and could his sponsor come get him.

His sponsor met him (J was drinking), his sponsor asked why he left?

J said, "coz I did not like the accommodation and it was full of junkies".

His sponsor turned around got back in the car and said sorry I cannot help you.

I was glad I had read Syd's post earlier that day on the Sponsor/sponsee relationship, his sponsor had done the perfect thing.

I phoned the detox center in search of answers, it was all confidential though.

The only thing the guy said was that if my husband kept running away from every rehab and detox then wasn't that telling me something...I guess yes.

J finally phoned about 10pm last night from a friends house, very local to where we live.

He asked to come home I said no. I said that I would take him to the other detox straight away.

He wanted to see his psychiatrist who is not around until Monday.

I asked him again to stay away as this is just gonna mess the kids around again with all his coming and going.

He told me he left because he could not stop crying.

(I'm sorry but nobody said it was going to be easy and it's not the Ritz) me thinking.

Then came all the bullshit about he is gonna detox himself ( again) blah blah blah bullshit.

I said you can't escape detox forever, you have to do it to go on the program you want and that's where you will be going after you have seen your psychiatrist anyway.

Anyway I heard him come in at 1am, I'm just gonna plan to do the weekend as I had originally planned.

Relief

2009-07-23T19:14:00.004-04:00

J went into detox this afternoon, it was too long to get him one in our local city so a big thank you to Nigel who drove him 1 hr45mins to the next closest place.

It's roughly a 5 day thing which does not seem alot to me as the other one with the longer waiting list was an 11 day detox.

Anyway it's all quiet here...which is nice.

Just trying to find things to amuse the kids at the weekend so they don't get bored and drive me crazy.

I have a couple of things planned already.

I guess I'll just wait for J to phone me at some point and let me know how long they think he ought to be there and then his friend Sam will pick him up. He has to phone Portage 2 days before coming out so they are prepared for him for the second bit which is the 20 day outpatient program. I'm so nervous he will come out and just drink again when he gets to the outpatient bit.

Once he completes that then they will ship him up North for the last bit which is a lock down for a few months and I can breathe easy again.

I really hope this all works.

I wish there was a saying like"4th time in rehab lucky".

Where to begin..this week so far

2009-07-22T14:09:00.003-04:00

Last night's meeting was good, I shared on how to handle verbal abuse. Isn't it amazing how you always read the right thing at the right time from your books.

I had read on Monday from "all our affairs" to either build and invisible wall and let the words bounce off or imagine that it was a guy in a mental hospital shouting stuff from a window...would you take it personally no.

So I told everyone next time you encounter this just imagine the window. Always remember this is the drink/disease talking it's not really them.

I had wondered where J was getting his money from (being as I have all his cards), apparently you can withdraw money just with ID from the bank and there is nothing I can do about it.

I got in the car and said to myself "let go or be dragged...and I won't be dragged so I let it go.

He was wasted all day, just before I left for my meeting I held his face in my hands and I cried don't let this f%*kin disease beat you, you go and work this program and do not let it win.

He cried too.

I did have cover for the kids as I did not want to leave them with their dad who was wasted beyond belief, but unbeknown to me he cancelled the help I had asked the kids godparents for ( as soon as I had left the house) saying he was fine and that he would go to bed cuddling our son early at 8pm.

Bullshit, I came home to him even more wasted and a fire out of control in the back yard. I thank my higher power for keeping my kids safe that night.

A lesson learnt. I will make sure that anyone who comes over comes regardless unless I personally cancel it myself.

I made some phone calls and have got J into a detox tomorrow a lot faster than the one we had planned, in my phone call to his new rehab I was forceful and made my point. The end result is he starts another detox tomorrow then straight onto a 20 day outpatient program and then they lock him up in a rehab up north for 3 months.

Good news and such a relief.

Rough day

2009-07-20T10:06:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was a bad day.

Everything was going fine, I had taken son with me to a friends house and we had lunch and were chatting.

While I was there my cell rings and it's J.

"I need money"

Me, "what for"

J, Don't ask questions"

Me, "err well you have to tell me what for"

J, "I need a drink NOW"

Me, "I don't think that's a good idea", then the phone goes dead.

I come home to see telephone smashed on the floor and he is having a beer upstairs.

( he had gone though my closet and found some change)

I comment that I don't approve but I think at least it's not vodka.

Things quieten back down for the afternoon and we have a nice family dinner.
A friend from Al-anon phones to check on me and I say overall things are ok.

Then I had to go as my daughter was asking to go to bed, she wanted her daddy tonight so I called him in from outside.

What do I see but him hiding a pint of vodka behind a piece of wood.
I wait for him to come down and say that he must spend the night at a friends, the beer was one thing but pints of vodka are another matter.
He starts to get really angry and says some horrific stuff to me in front of our 6 yr old son, ho is just standing there in tears.
He eventually leaves shouting "and you wondered why I cut my wrists..you are gonna be sorry".
I try calling him on his cell and all round his friends, nothing.
I call my friend from Al-anon who says, E, just hand it over to your higher power, I do and go to bed.

I found him this morning in a basement closet, I don't now how he got back in the house, I guess he broke in or something? He should be phoning for his appt at the detox center but is too drunk or in withdrawal to even get up,

I just feel like I have been kicked in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of me.

I think I will try to take it easier today and get myself back together.

Lost it

2009-07-18T12:53:00.005-04:00

I guess everything caught up with me yesterday evening.

Friday was crazy day of being the mommy taxi, doing groceries, finally opening my bank account, arranging doctors appointments, grass cutting, weeding and house cleaning.

That took me to 3pm when I had to be the mommy taxi again and pick up the kids.

I collected my daughter who was just in the most miserable mood she cried all the way back, (20 mins) then collected my son from camp. She still was crying, screaming, full tantrums in the back seat till we got back (a further 10 mins).

We get in and J's dad phones, I fill him on on J going to his appt for the new rehab. Then J phones can I collect from the train station.

Ok, I get my son and then go find my 2 yr old daughter who has found my nail polishes and has painted her feet, hands, legs and my expensive bed linen.

I grab her too and pile them both in the car and drive the 15 mins to get J.

I come back start cleaning all the sheets and start to feel the bad feeling again that I am about to have a huge fricken breakdown.

J had taken our daughter outside to keep her busy and I looked around and though OMG I gotta get out of here. I grabbed a bag and some clothes for the next day and just looked at my son and said wanna fun night away.

We jumped in the car and just got out of there.

As we drove off, J was in the garden probably thinking what the hell.

We stayed the night in a local hotel, which was nice for the night.

Anyway we are back now, I have calmed down a lot although none of the bed sheets were cleaned and there was a huge pile of washing up left for me ..just great.

The most important thing I guess was that it looked like he had stayed sober and looked after our daughter.

My son had a blast and it made him totally forget for a while the horrible things happening at home.

He said to me two days ago "mommy I don't think daddy loves you anymore, I think he loves the bad drink".

So I take a deep breath and get back on track of keeping on top of things again.

The Plan

2009-07-16T10:07:00.003-04:00

So I got a phone call from our good friend Sam, we have not known Sam long but J and him really have a big connection. Sam has had to deal with his own demons in the past.

I thank him for always being honest with me.

That's where J* stayed last night, they talked for hours.

J* is scared that if he goes to a lock down place that I will be gone when he gets back.

Sam and I both spelled it out to him that it works the other way.

No help and I walk.

Get help and I will be here when you get back, there will still be the limits set for his return.

He has agreed to go down to a lock down rehab facility, I am sure this scares the crap out of J but his addiction/disease is just so much more bigger than he is, Sam says that he knows a lot of alcoholics but has never come across anyone who has had this so severely.

So Sam and J will work on this today, I told J he is welcome back this evening still under the limits and he says he fully understand the consequences now of breaking those limits.

Then I guess we wait for a date when the new rehab will take him.

The limits have been broken..

2009-07-15T21:06:00.005-04:00

Sadly J* on is first full day back broke the staying sober rule (one of the limits set for staying under the family roof).

I let him get his coat and shut the door.

This will be his third night on the streets unless a friend will take him in.

I guess this leaves me with the 2 outcomes I gave him.

1) We sell the house and separate.

2) I go to court and have him committed or sectioned (whatever you want to call it) for at least 3 months in a rehab he cannot leave.

Tonight I will look to my higher power, I pray he will give me the strength and the guidance I need.

J's disease is just so much bigger and stronger than he is, I guess he never even got past step1. He told me he just didn't get the steps, perhaps he just doesn't want to.

I am off to help a friend organize and clean up her house for her tomorrow so that will keep me busy and there might be a few pennies in it for me to open up that bank account.

The return and getting myself together.

2009-07-15T14:27:00.004-04:00

J* is back, he came in with a friend and they removed all the alcohol from the house.
I went to my Al-anon meeting and he went to his AA meeting a big thanks to our babysitters for the night.

I found out from a friend yesterday that he purchased and hid alcohol at the rehab centre.
I asked J, is that really the actions of someone who says they want to get sober.
He said it was his back up plan, I have never heard such bullshit (excuse my language) in all my life.

I also found out why the police and ambulance were called to the rehab center on the Saturday and that's because he cut his wrist.
So that's 2 attempted suicides in two days, I doubt they were real attempts just a cry for help.

I am getting my CV together, trying to find a job is tough these days especially when you only speak English in a french speaking province. I am sure something will come along at the right time.

I have put my name down to chair the Al-anon meeting on the 28th, this will be my first time chairing...gulp.
I am going in early next meeting to see how they prepare and take some notes!
I am proud of myself as a newish member for taking this step.

Piecing the last few days together

2009-07-13T22:16:00.004-04:00

I found out a lot this afternoon from the rehab and a very good new friend L* about the events of the last few days.

It seems he went in on Thursday was back out by Friday night, got depressed.

I won't add anymore details to that, luckily he called an AA member in time who helped get him somewhere to stay and got him to go back into rehab the next day.

Saturday afternoon in rehab there was a one to one meeting where he explained about his depression and thoughts on suicide. The next minute the police are there and an ambulance to take him away to a hospital psychiatric ward (his greatest fear). He did try to escape but the police caught him and he was taken into hospital. He could only remember one phone number of a friend we had recently made and I thank him for staying with J* that night.

Sunday he is released back to rehab but the hospital lose all is meds including his anti-depressants which he cannot go one day without.

That's when I got the call last night.

Today I phoned at 2pm and they told me he had discharged himself, I think they had told the police to look out for him as they thought he was a danger to himself without his medication (well crikey the hospital lost it, it was not his fault).

Tonight he is somewhere safe and called to be able to get a prescription of anti-depressants ready for tomorrow.

When the rehab phoned me later tonight I asked him why they had still not been given the medication back from the hospital, they said that they did have a spare supply of what J* was taking but were not trained nurses so did not know if they should give it to him or not...even though he pleaded that he needed it.

I am no trained nurse but know you cannot suddenly come off anti-depressants like that and expect the person not to be ill.

My new amazing friend L has suggested some new ground rules for J"s return.

Like when he comes back he has to be with his new sponsor and empty the house of all hidden alcohol.

He has to attend at least 3 to 5 AA meetings a week.

He has to work the AA steps with his sponsor.

Any slip will mean that he will have to leave the house.

I cannot control what happens, if he wants to be married and live together as a family he will have to want to comply with these rules.

If not, I am at the point where I will not let this swallow me up anymore.

I need my life back, I cannot live in this fear and anxiety.

I'm off to read my daily Al-anon books and get my meditation done before a good night's sleep.
I hope that at some point J* will return home safe tomorrow.

Shattered peace

2009-07-13T10:18:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was a fun day, it was my son's B'day, I invited his godparents round (as my family and J's family live in a different country). The kids godparents are like family to us and they made a great job in making it a fun day for him even though his father was not there.

Around 6.15pm, I am busy trying to bath the kids and prepare them a late dinner, I pick something quick...chicken nuggets out the freezer..what do I find in the box?

A bottle of vodka, he had actually had hidden vodka in the kids f'in chicken nuggets ...unbelievable.

Then the phone goes, it's J*, which is strange because in that rehab there are no phone calls for the first 6 days, he had been in for 4 days.

The conversation went like this.

J* - I want to come home.

Me- I don't think that's a good idea.

J* - I've already called a friend and he'll come get me.

Me - What's happened why do you want to leave?

J* - The details are not important.

Me- Sorry that's not good enough, I need an explanation.

J* - They lost all my meds, I can't stand this F'in program it's a waste of time, I'm coming back.

Me- I want to speak to a nurse.

Nurse- Hi

Me- J* said that all his meds are lost, what has been happening?

Nurse, I don't have authorization to tell you J'* won't give me authorization to discuss this.

Me- Put J* on the phone.

Me- J* give the nurse authorization pleeaase.

Nurse- Ok, so yesterday we called 911 and J* was taken onto hospital, I mean we can't watch all the people on all the floors all the time, when he was in hospital they lost his meds but we'll get them back Monday morning. (My head is all over the place I forget to ask why he was in hospital..bad reaction to detox or did he try to do something to himself?)

Me- I don't want him to come back tonight, is there anyway you can keep him there?

Nurse - No, sorry.

Me- What can I do to get him to stay there?

Nurse- call the police when he arrives at home.

At the point J* gets the phone and is going crazy, what the hell is this about you calling the police on me, you wanna put me in a padded cell or something??

Me- Listen J* take the nurses advice and stay the night, get your meds back and call me tomorrow.

I then call my good friend to come round and stay during the evening as I a scared that he will turn up and his mental state was completely bad.

He would never hurt me or the kids but the peace and calmness in the house right now would be totally shattered if he returned to early.

There is probably more booze around that I don't know about that he has hidden and as soon as he comes back that's where he'll be...off to look for it.

I am letting go, it's in my higher powers hands now. My priority is me and the kids, whatever happens well..happens.

I'm not sure if he will ever find sobriety, I think I know what fate awaits him and I think he will probably die from his drinking.

Maybe a miracle will happen, I do love him, he is my husband and the father to my 2 kids but I have to let go for all our sakes..I cannot catch him anymore.

I am proud of my strength, courage, using my Al-Anon tools and thankful of all the support I receive from my friends.

Whatever happens I will stay strong and sane for my kids and we will see what today brings.

One day at a time.

Quiet

2009-07-10T22:09:00.004-04:00

All is quiet, I guess J* got to rehab ok because I have not heard anything.

He is not allowed to call for six days.

Things here at home are quiet, the kids have been great (I hope I have not just jinxed myself by saying that)!

My son who is nearly six, asked where daddy was, I said he went to a big house where some people will look after him because he can't stop drinking the bad drinks.

He also knows the the police/court took his drivers license off him because he was bad and crashed mommy's car and that mommy's car is not coming back.

It annoys me that J* thinks that the kids are totally unaffected by what is going on, he does not realise or perhaps cannot face the reality of the fact that they do know something not right is happening.

I will keep working my program so I have enough energy, patience, sanity and serenity to give them the most normal life I can throughout this.

Just for this week though I will enjoy not being paranoid, having no fears, no arguments and no tears...just for this week I have my serenity.

Surrender

2009-07-08T11:54:00.004-04:00

This was last night's topic in my Tuesday meeting, in coincidence Syd mentions this in his last comment on my previous post.

Yesterday I started my surrender of control and am working steps 1,2 and 3 with my new meditation.

Everyone shared last night and had something to say about surrender, I think this helped a new comer.

She was an older lady whose, Father, brother and husband were alcoholics...she was full of anger and just could not understand why alcoholics drank.

She was looking for the magic answer to it all (like we all do in our first meeting), we just said that her answers were inside her and that they would be revealed to her as she comes back to each meeting.

I am glad I have a certain understanding of addiction as without that I would certainly have gone crazy and now with me starting to go through the steps I hope I have started my journey to serenity. Although nobody graduates Al-anon (there is always something more we can learn) I hope I am starting to successfully work my program no matter how bad it gets at home.

Things are bad here, J's sponsor spoke to me before J* left for rehab and said "did I really realise how really mentally ill he had become through everything that has happened?

I guess kind of but part of me is living in denial of that, he needs so much more help, I am not sure what more is available to him when he comes out than he already has?

Prayer and Meditation

2009-07-07T12:42:00.003-04:00

I just came back from visiting Fr.John, he made me realise that I needed to look at steps 1,2 and 3 as a whole.

He gave me some great meditation techniques which will help me "let go and Let God".

I will work with this new meditation technique and over the coming weeks I should be able to hand over the part that I am still controlling and leave it in God's hands.

Step 2

2009-07-05T21:52:00.003-04:00

As I was stuck on page 76 of my first book (meaning the step 1 questions) I started reading "In all our affairs"...making crises work for you.

I came across something in the second book ..it states something along the lines of ..looking at step 1 can be overwhelming, fortunately step1 is not the last.

This made me look at step 2 again.

Step 2 is " Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".

Many people who go to AA or Al-Anon who are not religious in any way struggle with the whole higher power concept. This being said others have used their group as a higher power and this works also.

I am religious and first walked into church back in 1998, I was ready to hand my life over to God and live for what his will had in store for me.

WHY then can I not do so in the case of J's* drinking...why must I feel like I have to control it?

Why can I not hand it over to my higher power, God?

I was just at a church function tonight, our last priest just retired and is aware of our home situation, he has offered on numerous occasions that I can talk to him at any time.

I felt the time was right today and will be discussing step 2 and this in turn should allow me to get through step 1 as well.

I will meet with him on Tuesday morning, I am sure it will be a huge relief to "let go and Let God" with this.

I also read a great piece on pg 29 of "in our affairs" and I printed it out.

It also fits into the whole "let go and let God" process.

My print out says...

Dear E*

Thanks, but I do not need your help today,

Love God.

My aim this week is to be less controlling and let God do his bit in all of this and stop carrying round the burden thinking it's my job all the time.

Dilemma of the alcoholic marriage

2009-07-04T21:22:00.006-04:00

I started reading this book and could not put it down.

I actually learnt a lot about myself...as the spouse of an addict life is not the easiest but I also learnt how damaging my own behaviour has become.

First of all before I even met J* I knew I was a not very patient person and a person who was very controlling...I guess that has always been my nature. Mix that with an alcoholic husband and then there are fireworks.

The book also points out through other peoples stories about how other people become hurt...."do you verbally lash out on your children due to your frustrations"...sadly I do.

The time I realised this was Saturday morning...that night by coincidence my 5 yr old son said"mommy why do you get so angry with us lately"...?

Not sure whether I answered him correctly but I said that mommy was mad at daddy for something and she did not mean to be mad and angry at everyone else and she was truly sorry.

So back to the book...I was reading and reading and could not put it down till I reached page 76.

It breaks step 1 into several questions:

Do you accept the alcoholic as an individual that has habit patterns, characteristics and different ways of reacting?

Do I fully accept that I cannot control the other person's drinking?

Can I admit that I am powerless over anyone but myself?

Do I realise that trying to change another's behaviour can bring hostility and resentment?

If so can I justify my criticism and condemnation of the alcoholic?

So now I am stuck at page 76 until I accept these things.

Plus I must remember over and over again that my well being cannot depend on him being drunk or sober. This has been tough over the last few days as he has been drunk every day.

He is in a bad way tonight..drunk and depressed so I suggested we phoned his sponsor and he fully agreed, they are meeting now.

He finds it tough to talk to me anymore but I am glad he has a sponsor and is talking to him tonight.

Patience

2009-06-30T21:41:00.004-04:00

Tonight's topic was about patience...something that I have very little of at the moment.

I looked back at the last two weeks which have been bad at home and I'm sure my lack of patience and jumping in with my big mouth has not helped matters.

My share was about my lack of patience and my over controlling behaviour.

June 28th in courage to change also made me think, it talks about how your well being cannot depend upon whether the alcoholic drinks that day or not.

The reminder for that day is "No matter if the alcoholic is drunk or sober, the time to put energy into my own recovery is right now".

At the end of the meeting I purchased my two books and can't wait to read them!

Flip-flop

2009-06-29T19:27:00.004-04:00

I can't seem to get my head together.

Part of me thinks I should work the program and stick things out and part of me just wants to throw the towel in and walk out of my marriage.

Tomorrow night is my regular Al-anon night and I'll be ordering a couple of books.

1. The dilemma of the alcoholic marriage.

2.In all our affairs..making crises work for you.

I think I am getting depressed and am on a short fuse, I don't know what I'd be like if I was not on my tranquilizers.

J* went to his psychologist today and they faxed his application for admission for rehab, there is currently no waiting list so I guess he'll get in for sometime next week.

Yesterday he went out to help a friend chop wood, back at the friends house there was a party going on. J* said he had some bear but it turned out more than that as I saw from today.. he was in huge withdrawl, shakes sweats the full DT's.

When I picked him up from the pyschologists he had been to get a beer in the end just to get over it, I guess I was ok with that as he was just a mess.

Anniversary and rehab

2009-06-25T18:51:00.004-04:00

Last night was awful, it was also our 9th Wedding Anniversary yesterday.

The greetings cards still left on a pile in the kitchen unopened...to be honest I just can't face opening them.

Jarrod got really drunk again, there was a whole series of incidents that followed but for legal reasons won't go there.

He sold off the gas cards we get with the points we redeem from our visa cards to get cash.

It feels like I am more disconnecting my feelings from him than detaching with love.

It's my only way to survive at the moment.

He saw his Psychologist that is attached to the rehab this morning and she has arranged for him to go back into rehab, I guess that will be in about two weeks time.

That's a relief for me.

Back to detachment

2009-06-23T21:26:00.002-04:00

Tonight's meeting was about detaching with love, everyone around the table is still mastering this one.

It was a good reminder for me especially in my state of going back to being paranoid all the time, demanding answers etc.

Let go and Let God and detaching with love is what I'll keep with me this week.

Bad behavior

2009-06-22T21:19:00.002-04:00

Sadly I am talking about my own.
Sometimes I just get so tired with story after story and lie after lie that my own behavior deteriorates and I am back to old habits of checking his drinks trying to smell his breath etc.

Sadly I end up finding out that my paranoia is right but it is not what I want to be like...very non Al-anon to say the least.

Not sure what is happening to me...I feel like I have taken ten steps back in my own al-anon recovery.

A victim?

2009-06-19T21:55:00.000-04:00

I just learnt this morning in a joint psychologist meeting between me and my hubby that he had opened a bank account behind my back.
There was no money in there but there was a 20K overdraft, he started using that money to feed his addiction.

I have to give him some credit as he did feel guilty this week and hand the card over, luckily he had only spent a few hundred dollars.

It shocked and overwhelmed me to tears, just thinking about the thousands and thousands of dollars he has spent over the last few years...why we have only had 1 one week holiday in the past several years due to lack of money.
My son can't understand while all his friends get to go away somewhere nice and we cannot.
It breaks my heart.

I had a small pity party for myself this afternoon whilst driving to pick up my daughter...then I pulled myself together..I refuse to be a victim.

Feeling fine

2009-06-18T21:18:00.000-04:00

So late posting about Tuesday's meeting...it's been busy around here!
It was a good meeting with more newcomers which is great.

The subject brought up was about how we first felt when we joined al-anon and how we feel now.
I guess we all felt like we wanted to come in and someone was going to give us the magic answer we needed to stop our spouse/son or daughter etc to stop drinking.

Of course that's not what it's all about!
Soon we realise that it's about us and our own recovery.

It's funny because where I had sat there was a slogans printed out and closest to where I had sat it read "Progress not perfection".
I think about how well I handled his slip last Thursday and how badly I handled the slip on Sunday.

Progress not perfection...that's what I chose to talk about because I realised that's what I need to remember on this journey.

Living with Lies

2009-06-15T14:56:00.000-04:00

Well there was a second slip this week, Last night Jarrod came in wasted.
Considering that he promised me on Friday morning that he had no money or no drink...the fact was he lied and he did.

I can't wait for tomorrow night's al-anon meeting..I really need it.

I just feel so angry and pissed off that he continually lies.

Familiar behaviour

2009-06-12T07:17:00.000-04:00

So just as we are counting J's* sobriety..2 weeks 2 days.
I see some familiar behaviour when he comes back from his Thursday night AA meeting.
I thought it was strange when I offered him a dollar to put in the pot at the meeting, he turned it down and said they did not collect at that particular meeting.

He came back from the meeting and started working outside, I told him not to forget to get to bed at a reasonable hour as we had to be up early, this was 10pm.
At 10.20..he said, yes coming now.
At 10.35 still working, I tell him we need some time to talk (we are trying to put time aside at night to work on communication).
I get up at 11pm and he is still outside.
He finally comes in and as he is walking I hear change in his pocket, for someone with no access to money this is not what I should be hearing.

He lies and says it's money that my son pulled out of his money box and left downstairs.
When we get upstairs he looks away as he speaks to me.
That's when I knew.

He had supposedly found some money in some shorts he had been wearing and left AA early to go get some booze.
He was upset, really there wasn't really much I had to say he was beating himself up about it enough.

I just said that he had a choice when he found that money, either to put it towards our "new TV" saving pot (which I have hidden) , put it in the kids money boxes or give it to me.
He made the choice to drink...his diseased brain was so much more powerful than his rational thought..sadly.

I guess he'll pick up a new starters chip again next week.

Detachment

2009-06-10T21:17:00.000-04:00

This is taken from the Al-Anon lit online.
The first month after things got really bad this year I could not even do any of these...slowly though I am and feeling better for it.

Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-Anon we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.
We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.

IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people;
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery;
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;
Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds;
Not to create a crisis;
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives. Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.

I think we all need to look at this every now again because sometimes we cannot help our controlling behaviour.

Picking up the pieces

2009-06-06T21:17:00.000-04:00

This is a little piece I wrote in an email to family and friends just a few weeks ago when I pick up the pieces of my husband getting drunk and taking my car and the police calling me to say he had hit a truck.

(He or no-one else was hurt luckily).

Addiction is a horrible thing.
It takes away the person that you love into someone you sometimes even don't recognize.
Just two weeks ago J* and I were in emergency wondering if he was going to make it through the night. He did and told me that this was his rock bottom and that things would be different. They were for 8 days. Yesterday he had been out in the morning to get car parts and he came back drunk. After an argument about his drinking and driving he stormed off and took my car.
At 1am this morning I was called by the police to say that J* had been in an accident and had hit a truck on the highway. Luckily he has no injuries and nobody else was hurt.
I have managed the kids and everything else on 2 hours sleep.
Don't drink and drive.

I started Al-anon again two weeks ago, it's been a year since I last went.
Thank goodness for the program, I need to get better too...that way I can deal with everything and look after my kids.

Peace.