Saturday, July 4, 2009

Dilemma of the alcoholic marriage

I started reading this book and could not put it down.

I actually learnt a lot about the spouse of an addict life is not the easiest but I also learnt how damaging my own behaviour has become.

First of all before I even met J* I knew I was a not very patient person and a person who was very controlling...I guess that has always been my nature. Mix that with an alcoholic husband and then there are fireworks.

The book also points out through other peoples stories about how other people become hurt...."do you verbally lash out on your children due to your frustrations"...sadly I do.
The time I realised this was Saturday morning...that night by coincidence my 5 yr old son said"mommy why do you get so angry with us lately"...?
Not sure whether I answered him correctly but I said that mommy was mad at daddy for something and she did not mean to be mad and angry at everyone else and she was truly sorry.

So back to the book...I was reading and reading and could not put it down till I reached page 76.
It breaks step 1 into several questions:

Do you accept the alcoholic as an individual that has habit patterns, characteristics and different ways of reacting?
Do I fully accept that I cannot control the other person's drinking?
Can I admit that I am powerless over anyone but myself?

Do I realise that trying to change another's behaviour can bring hostility and resentment?

If so can I justify my criticism and condemnation of the alcoholic?

So now I am stuck at page 76 until I accept these things.
Plus I must remember over and over again that my well being cannot depend on him being drunk or sober. This has been tough over the last few days as he has been drunk every day.

He is in a bad way tonight..drunk and depressed so I suggested we phoned his sponsor and he fully agreed, they are meeting now.

He finds it tough to talk to me anymore but I am glad he has a sponsor and is talking to him tonight.


  1. Which of the Page 76 questions do you have the most issue with?
    I know personally I'd have difficulty with the "Can I admit that I am powerless over anyone but myself?" question. Also I might find fully accepting that "...change another's behaviour can bring hostility and resentment". It's probably true, but to stop yourself from trying to change someone to a way that you feel is better is difficult.
    I'm sure page 77 will come to you soon. It's good that J* has a sponsor to confide in, I hope you have someone to lean on too...

  2. I have never read this book before - but you can bes ure I am going to look for it and read it.

  3. The dilemma of the alcoholic marriage is but a false dilemma, the true dilemma being mariage per se, whoever with. That book is outmoded.